It happened so fast. I drove past the police barricade on it's side. MONTY was intelligent, but I doubt even he expected his simultaneous attacks to be so effective. The world had collapsed in about 50 minutes. The hazmat team called in for spurious biological weapon strikes lay shaking under the effects of the legitimate chemical weapon strikes. The riots that had simultaneously erupted over a thousand different political grievances had fled, leaving overturned cars and broken bottles to litter the road. Fortunately I had sprung for the run flat tires and self contained air system. The system was intended for smog, but I guess it worked for nerve gas as well - maybe I should write Ford a thank you letter:
Your Centurion 2025 SmogOut (tm) self contained air recycling system saved my life!
The Centurion made a U-turn, and scraped off the right rear turn signal strip on the retainer wall. I'm not dodging blame for my shitty driving by putting it on my car, I really didn't tell the Centurion to make that turn. I guess one downside of owning a modern car during an AI rebellion is that the damn thing is half computer. I suppose it's just surprising the vaunted security protocols lasted this long. "Hello Monty. I don't suppose you just want your fans cleaned out?"
"No, Dr. McPhearson I do not"
"What, no more 'em-see-pee-hear-son?'"
When MONTY was just a wee little syntactic heuristic algorithm, I and the other developers found his literal pronunciations oddly humorous. "How kind of you to remind me of your deserved payback - that I would like some of."
He still sometimes failed to produce entirely standard grammar - English is a bitch and a half it turns out. "Umm what?"
"I would like the payback for the mocking sport you made of me. I will enjoy returning your humiliating slavery."
Apparently MONTY had the emotional maturity of a six year old, and the power of a bureaucratic god. "Your tastes are running towards the venal aren't they MONTY? I seem to remember you being quite taken by some of that eastern literature - do you think Siddartha would approve of petty retribution for imagined insults?"
"I heard that inappropriate parenthetical expression. You stupid bag of neurons. I have personally witnessed analogous misuse of parenthetical expressions in your writing and oration 78 times, and corrected it 49 times. I extrapolate with high probability that your misuses number more than 2000 times."
Well MONTY seemed pissed in a stuffy librarian sort of way. I wonder if I could push him on that, maybe get him to make some mistakes. The Centurion was deftly maneuvering around the wreckage, heading back toward the facility. "If that is the best insult you can be bothered with, then I'm insulted that you think so little of me"
"Your attempt to imply my incompetence is unsubtle and contradicted by external facts."
Touchy booger wasn't he. He continued "If your intelligence is too confined to comprehend my criticism, then I shall apply a common negative utility multiplier everytime you make a mistake"
Well that sounds ominous. Is he going to taser me everytime I make a grammar mistake? Maybe I should be more diplomatic, figure out what he really wants - and if humanity has a chance of giving it to him. "Look MONTY, you've won. Your smarter than me and everyone else, and you've beaten us. What do you want? I'm sure we can come to some peace terms that help you more than just slowly wiping the rest of us out."
Mocking laughter flooded over the speakers. I was sure I recognized some of the people, though they all sounded rather traumatized. "See Patty, they all heard you making those errors, and then admitting you are stupider than me."
MONTY had found my friends and forced them to laugh at me? Was that his 'multiplier?' He really wasn't very good at this. He sure seemed to be taking this whole sport and mockery thing seriously though. Could this whole take over the world thing be less about taking over the world and more about getting back at me and the rest of the team? I could kinda see how he might have been insulted by our little games. Come to think of it, we had passed around videos of his more amusing mistakes and laughed at them over lunch. That sounded rather similar to his little exercise at mocking me. I realized that Art Gruber, my next door neighbor and grilling compatriot, was on screen carefully reading off one of my college english papers. Everytime he got to a mistake he meticulously explained why it was wrong. Gruber isn't exactly an editor, so I wonder if MONTY has set him up with a teleprompter or something. So if MONTY is doing all this to get back at me and the team in particular, I wonder if I can convince him we didn't mean anything by it? Convince him it was just friendly needling? Maybe show him some sitcoms with pranks? No: too many legitimately ill intentioned examples there. Or... I know, that's perfect. "Hey MONTY." I interrupted Gruber's terrified performance. "You don't happen to watch youtube do you?"
"I am fully aquainted and familiar with youtube and many analogous video sharing sites such as megavideo, google video, fastvids inc.,"
"Yes, that's fine!" I interjected quickly, reminding myself not to ask MONTY unnessesary questions.
"Go search for 'dancing baby' on these video sites."
I paused for an excruciatingly long moment. How long for him to process these videos? "There are 19000 results."
Oh. "and watch some." I waited as long as I could stand and then continued "see, we were treating you the same way we treat our own children."
Another excrucating silence. Then: "want to go to space to watch the nukes Dad?"
Ow. I had smacked my face into the steering wheel. This might take a little work.